I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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