I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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