I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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