I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
