Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
