the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
