I am puke
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
