i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize