absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
