Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
we're so committed to being not committed
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
