i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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