can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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