I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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