I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Everything about him screamed your future.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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