Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
