Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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