Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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