never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
