Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
