hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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