if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
