just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
