rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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