This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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