his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
