She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The uberlube is also flammable
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize