I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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