explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
