Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
