I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
