3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
