My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
