Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
