You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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