she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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