In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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