I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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