There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
