awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
