OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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