The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
