For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
