Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
