He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
