Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
