any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
