did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
