and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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