So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
