I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
