yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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