ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
