The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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