I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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