On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
