Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
