i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
