We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
