I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
