I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
