i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
